the dream that i wished for and i failed...

i was 19 when i had my first love and my first long relationship with someone who also became my husband. We had our relationship for eight long years (since college years till we had our own careers). Our relationship was ideal, no big fuss, full of love and respect, we were there to push each other up all the time. Our eyes were set only for each other. Our school mates and friends envied and idolized our relationship. It's just perfect. Everything was planned so well until we got married finally after 8 long years of growing up together in our relationship. He asked me to stop working and forget my career so we can fulfill our great plan, which was me being just a plain wife and mother, and him being the father that will provide everything.. We started great in our first year together, he worked 16 hours all day, i prepare his things for work, hot water and towel for his bath everyday at 3am, do the chores the whole day and wait for him till late night to sleep together. When i got pregnant, we bought a house which is to be paid within 10 years. We were so naive that we did not see beforehand how it would cost us, the monthly amortization and giving birth. We just went along with it. My pregnancy was just fine, but i become so sensitive with everything, i started to long for his presence all the time, wanted more intimacy. but the timing isn't just right. He was so busy and consumed that he is left with no strength but to sleep and rest. Until the time that i gave birth to our angel, my longing for intimacy ended. As i enjoyed taking care of our nimue i also started to become worried of all the financial responsibilities we have to face together. Our resources was not enough, we under estimated everything. Our amortizations every month became unsettled giving us more problem. From these problems we became unfocused. He worked too much even on holidays and my demand for attention and intimacy started again and increased even more. I started to lose confidence on myself, started to feel unwanted and not special anymore. And maybe for him, same, we depended on his parents financially because we really cannot cope up with our needs, so i decided to help him in terms of income, but unfortunately, employment became so far from me, i cant find a work. I decided to sing in a bar, at first i hated it, but it worked ok for me all along, i gained my confidence in an unpleasant way, i've been the desire of some of my guests, the attention i have been longing for but not from them. I belonged to a party band that took me to places farther and farthest.. I forgot my goal.. I was their star.. I got drowned with the attention they have given me, special attention i have wanted from the one i love.. My connection with my husband become lesser and lesser, along with my feelings for him. Everytime i would go back home, i find myself longing only for my kid and not him anymore, when we go out together, i can not feel the usual spark i feel for him before. And when we spend time to be intimate again, i can't feel heaven anymore.. My work and his work and the miles that kept us apart got me spinning in a centrifugal force that led me to make the biggest mistake i have never dreamed of having.. i got pregnant by accident, and by someone who is not my husband.. and by the time that i saw my husband again broke my heart so much.. i never wanted to hurt him.. ever.. and with one flick of a time, i did.. i cried everyday and everynight.. i wasn't able to hold it within me that i told my husband about what i did.. He accepted me, granted that i will abort the child.. but i just can't... he asked me to go to a far place when i can't be seen until i give birth to the kid and even asked me to find someone who would adopt the kid.. he doesnt want the kid.. i was so helpless and i dont know what to do that i just agreed.. after i gave birth to my kid, i just can't bare to give her to anybody, it's killing me, i was nearly insane when i talked to my parents everything that has been happening and they helped me out. Me and my husband finally had an agreement that we will keep the kid but we must tell his parents that we just adopted the kid.. again, i was so dumb to say yes... but i did.. wanting my kids to be with me.. we got hit by even bigger financial crisis that my husband told me that if i would sing again, better i just sing abroad... We made plans that i will go abroad so we can pay all our debts faster.. Our goal was quite promising, i will work abroad until we finished paying for all our debts most especially the house that we are buying.. But that goal was wrecked with one foolish and meaningless email that i sent to my friend.. I was talking about how i felt for the father of my second kid.. I understand that my husband was hurt but i never expected and i couldn't believe that he would choose to get separated with me just because of that email that he read.. my world just fell apart and was broken into pieces... after all the promising goals we had.. i had set my mind that i will do the best that i can to change and fight the feelings that i had.. i never did anything bad when i got abroad, i never did see the father of my second child nor talked to him anymore... i was in the point of retreiving myself back and i have no one to talk to about all my feelings but to my friend... and by just one simple dumb email.. my husband broke up with me... he even casted my second kid and parents away... All the while i knew and have accepted that i was wrong.. i kept on blaming myself... I never should've have done that mistake, i never should've gone working abroad.... We were in the brink of patching things up for our kid and my kid, our goals has been set.. and then puff...... everything's gone.... Now.. I am here at the other side of the world working my ass out for money that is quite enough for my parents and second kid who are so far from me just to have something to eat... I can't even provide a comfortable house for them, they live in a farm far away from civilization.. my two kids are separated.... Our kid longs for me at christmas, she's complaining about her step mother yelling at her most of the time... she longs for her sister every weekend and her sister longs for her as well... both of them waiting for the weekend so they can share their laughter and love together..... and my second kid, longing for me, for her elder sister and a father she never did see... but in my kid's mind, she only have one father... and that is the father that her elder sister always talk about. The heartaches that my kids are having now are my burden for everyday... in this life, I only have one great dream... that is to have a happy family, united and cannot be broken apart by circumstances... but i failed......
Only then i realized the true meaning of a family.... A family is composed of a Father, a Mother and kids... in which the Father and the Mother being husband and wife should stick together despite the circumstances that come their way not for their selves but for the kids that they have... the moment that they get married and become one, they should accept the flaws of each other.. same like accepting your own flaw.. of course you can not just separate with yourself if you have something in you that you don't like right?? And the moment that they start to have kids is also the moment that they should forget about their selves and just focused on the life that they made for their kids....
Father And Mother I Love You..... the words that every kid wants to say.... but how can they say it if they don't have a family anymore....
This dream i had in my heart still lives within me.... but maybe it will just be a dream.....