the dream that i wished for and i failed...

i was 19 when i had my first love and my first long relationship with someone who also became my husband. We had our relationship for eight long years (since college years till we had our own careers). Our relationship was ideal, no big fuss, full of love and respect, we were there to push each other up all the time. Our eyes were set only for each other. Our school mates and friends envied and idolized our relationship. It's just perfect. Everything was planned so well until we got married finally after 8 long years of growing up together in our relationship. He asked me to stop working and forget my career so we can fulfill our great plan, which was me being just a plain wife and mother, and him being the father that will provide everything.. We started great in our first year together, he worked 16 hours all day, i prepare his things for work, hot water and towel for his bath everyday at 3am, do the chores the whole day and wait for him till late night to sleep together. When i got pregnant, we bought a house which is to be paid within 10 years. We were so naive that we did not see beforehand how it would cost us, the monthly amortization and giving birth. We just went along with it. My pregnancy was just fine, but i become so sensitive with everything, i started to long for his presence all the time, wanted more intimacy. but the timing isn't just right. He was so busy and consumed that he is left with no strength but to sleep and rest. Until the time that i gave birth to our angel, my longing for intimacy ended. As i enjoyed taking care of our nimue i also started to become worried of all the financial responsibilities we have to face together. Our resources was not enough, we under estimated everything. Our amortizations every month became unsettled giving us more problem. From these problems we became unfocused. He worked too much even on holidays and my demand for attention and intimacy started again and increased even more. I started to lose confidence on myself, started to feel unwanted and not special anymore. And maybe for him, same, we depended on his parents financially because we really cannot cope up with our needs, so i decided to help him in terms of income, but unfortunately, employment became so far from me, i cant find a work. I decided to sing in a bar, at first i hated it, but it worked ok for me all along, i gained my confidence in an unpleasant way, i've been the desire of some of my guests, the attention i have been longing for but not from them. I belonged to a party band that took me to places farther and farthest.. I forgot my goal.. I was their star.. I got drowned with the attention they have given me, special attention i have wanted from the one i love.. My connection with my husband become lesser and lesser, along with my feelings for him. Everytime i would go back home, i find myself longing only for my kid and not him anymore, when we go out together, i can not feel the usual spark i feel for him before. And when we spend time to be intimate again, i can't feel heaven anymore.. My work and his work and the miles that kept us apart got me spinning in a centrifugal force that led me to make the biggest mistake i have never dreamed of having.. i got pregnant by accident, and by someone who is not my husband.. and by the time that i saw my husband again broke my heart so much.. i never wanted to hurt him.. ever.. and with one flick of a time, i did.. i cried everyday and everynight.. i wasn't able to hold it within me that i told my husband about what i did.. He accepted me, granted that i will abort the child.. but i just can't... he asked me to go to a far place when i can't be seen until i give birth to the kid and even asked me to find someone who would adopt the kid.. he doesnt want the kid.. i was so helpless and i dont know what to do that i just agreed.. after i gave birth to my kid, i just can't bare to give her to anybody, it's killing me, i was nearly insane when i talked to my parents everything that has been happening and they helped me out. Me and my husband finally had an agreement that we will keep the kid but we must tell his parents that we just adopted the kid.. again, i was so dumb to say yes... but i did.. wanting my kids to be with me.. we got hit by even bigger financial crisis that my husband told me that if i would sing again, better i just sing abroad... We made plans that i will go abroad so we can pay all our debts faster.. Our goal was quite promising, i will work abroad until we finished paying for all our debts most especially the house that we are buying.. But that goal was wrecked with one foolish and meaningless email that i sent to my friend.. I was talking about how i felt for the father of my second kid.. I understand that my husband was hurt but i never expected and i couldn't believe that he would choose to get separated with me just because of that email that he read.. my world just fell apart and was broken into pieces... after all the promising goals we had.. i had set my mind that i will do the best that i can to change and fight the feelings that i had.. i never did anything bad when i got abroad, i never did see the father of my second child nor talked to him anymore... i was in the point of retreiving myself back and i have no one to talk to about all my feelings but to my friend... and by just one simple dumb email.. my husband broke up with me... he even casted my second kid and parents away... All the while i knew and have accepted that i was wrong.. i kept on blaming myself... I never should've have done that mistake, i never should've gone working abroad.... We were in the brink of patching things up for our kid and my kid, our goals has been set.. and then puff...... everything's gone.... Now.. I am here at the other side of the world working my ass out for money that is quite enough for my parents and second kid who are so far from me just to have something to eat... I can't even provide a comfortable house for them, they live in a farm far away from civilization.. my two kids are separated.... Our kid longs for me at christmas, she's complaining about her step mother yelling at her most of the time... she longs for her sister every weekend and her sister longs for her as well... both of them waiting for the weekend so they can share their laughter and love together..... and my second kid, longing for me, for her elder sister and a father she never did see... but in my kid's mind, she only have one father... and that is the father that her elder sister always talk about. The heartaches that my kids are having now are my burden for everyday... in this life, I only have one great dream... that is to have a happy family, united and cannot be broken apart by circumstances... but i failed......
Only then i realized the true meaning of a family.... A family is composed of a Father, a Mother and kids... in which the Father and the Mother being husband and wife should stick together despite the circumstances that come their way not for their selves but for the kids that they have... the moment that they get married and become one, they should accept the flaws of each other.. same like accepting your own flaw.. of course you can not just separate with yourself if you have something in you that you don't like right?? And the moment that they start to have kids is also the moment that they should forget about their selves and just focused on the life that they made for their kids....
Father And Mother I Love You..... the words that every kid wants to say.... but how can they say it if they don't have a family anymore....
This dream i had in my heart still lives within me.... but maybe it will just be a dream.....

my family... i have loved all my life...

i grew up in a family close knit to each other... my father was a government employee. until now he serves the people in our town church during his free time.. he simply have a big heart for everybody.. my mother also worked for the government and managed to have a small business.. she is a business woman by heart.. doesnt always stay at home and always busy.. she is not the usual type of mothers that will always stay by your side to comfort you, she's the busy mother type, so i grew up more closer with my father... my two bothers are smart but both very shy persons, i was the only girl among us three kids... i am also close with my two brothers, both of them share some of their secrets with me, i sometimes go with my eldest brother to his university dorm and go with him and his girlfriend in their special dates.. mostly i hang out with my eldest brother because he wants to tag me along all the time.... my elder brother always talk to me about something, he is a little bit more mature than my eldest brother, he likes to share his thoughts to me, he is the one who always have something in the heart... thinks so much and involves himself so much to anything.... but he is the most silent among us three.... when we are in the house, we fight, regarding doing each one's chores but mostly we have fun together, we would sit altogether and sing a song.. both of them can play the guitar.. my elder brother can play almost all instruments he will touch.. and he sings very well, he is my greatest influence in singing.. during school vacation, we mingle with all our cousins in the patio of my uncle and we will all sing together.. our family loves music so much so i grew up with music...

God blessed me with a good family.. my father respected my mother so much, i never see them very sweet together but they stayed very long together... i idolized my father so much, when i was very young i told to myself i wish i can find somebody that is as good hearted as my father... i never hear my father talk bad to people and even do bad to people... i wish i am like him... my mother is the oppossite of my father, she talks too much and makes so many enemies... but my mother is a good wife because she never did anything to break her vow to my father.... i am not very close to my mother when i was young until i got married because of her character but eventhough she's like that, i love her also same like i love my father.. the relationship of my parents are not the ideal relationship as i can see before when i was a teenager, because they are not sweet, it seems like they dont care for each other... they dont care where the other one goes and who they go with... but if one never go home on time, they feel bad about it... i envy some of my friends' parents that even in their old days they still can manage to be sweet to each other...

i said to myself that time that if i will have a husband, i will see to it that we will grow old sweet to each other.. my family is closely knit to each other but we lack talking to each other, especially my parents, my father is the silent type, so he never talk to us about life... our mother is always busy, the only people that talk to me about life when i was young was my aunts and uncles which sounded annoying to me that time hehehe, (i should've listened to them), sometimes my brothers, but they are also still very young that time... so for relationships, i have less idea and knowledge about it.. my family is close to God, my parents brought us always praying to God, so in my childhood i never engaged too early in sexual relationships, i never studied very well about this, never paid too much attention... i am the person who would go home after class and never goes out to party much, unlike the other boys and girls my age... i go out with friends but not always.. they always call me the "slippery neck" because everytime they need me around in parties and gimmicks i am nowhere to be found... same like my brothers, i never see them go out too much to party, my eldest brother always go with his brods and sisses in his university organization but for a good cause... my elder brother.. same... but most of their time is spent in our town church.. we are active members of our town church... that was the most happy time i had with my family, we go out together in church activities, and we have the same aims, we do common things together... that makes my family happy... eventhough i had something for my mother before that i am not happy about, all these are all gone now... before i never talk to her about my secrets, simply because she's always busy and she doesnt like to pay attention, but now that she's old, everything i have in my heart, she knows and she understands me.. she supports me even in the most dark place... same with my father, my father supported me eversince... with his kind words.... and my brothers.... they are always there for me, even now that i am so far from them, i can still feel that they are just beside me... we constantly talk in the internet.. we are in different parts of the world... now my parents are in philippines only with my little kid... who makes them happy... i support them and they support me as well... i am dreaming of taking them to where i am now.. it's very hard for me... i dont have enough money to take them to where i am and i am not in the ideal position still... i still dont have a permanent job... i love to have them by my side... i love my family so much... no matter how unperfect we are and we will become.... i just hope i can take them here with me and be happy again.... i hope God will help me succeed so i can support them more and let them feel the comfortability of living out from poverty and heartaches...... God Bless my parents, and my brothers... and most especially my 2 lovely kids.....